long ago. At the level I experienced it, it’s called disassociation. If crazy, abusive, ugly stuff happens when you’re young- you check out. That didn’t happen. Nope, no way not to me.
Denial keeps you safe. Keeps you from losing your mind – literally. When I was younger I would leave my body during those times.
But that was then – back when denial helped – when it saved my life. Problem is, that life-saving denial mechanism stuck around long after it outlived its usefulness. It kept me in situations others would have run from, but not me. I just kept feeding off the drama, while pretending to myself at the same time that everything was just fine. It’s so bizarre, yet I understand the source.
I recently uncovered a whole bunch more denial that’s been quietly working away in my life. I didn’t even see these things. Now I do.
I’m trying to be kind to myself, like I tell others. Funny thing is, the universe showed me just last week, how far I’ve come. A year ago I would have cried and felt just horrible about myself. Yesterday I realized immediately what was happening and said oh no you don’t.
All that matters is I am being honest with myself. Yes, these things are true. I have to work on them.
It’s a bit frustrating to see I still have so much work to do on myself.
I know how to work on this. I’m pissed that I have to, but like I’ve been saying it’s my freaking life. I better heal myself up because no one else will.