Denial saved my life

long ago.  At the level I experienced it, it’s called disassociation.  If crazy, abusive, ugly stuff happens when you’re young- you check out.  That didn’t happen.  Nope, no way not to me.

Denial keeps you safe.  Keeps you from losing your mind – literally.  When I was younger I would leave my body during those times.

But that was then – back when denial helped – when it saved my life.  Problem is, that life-saving denial mechanism stuck around long after it outlived its usefulness.  It kept me in situations others would have run from, but not me.  I just kept feeding off the drama, while pretending to myself at the same time that everything was just fine.  It’s so bizarre, yet I understand the source.

I recently uncovered a whole bunch more denial that’s been quietly working away in my life.  I didn’t even see these things.  Now I do.

I’m trying to be kind to myself, like I tell others. Funny thing is, the universe showed me just last week, how far I’ve come. A year ago I would have cried and felt just horrible about myself.  Yesterday I realized immediately what was happening and said oh no you don’t.

All that matters is I am being honest with myself. Yes, these things are true. I have to work on them.

It’s a bit frustrating to see I still have so much work to do on myself.

I know how to work on this. I’m pissed that I have to, but like I’ve been saying it’s my freaking life.  I better heal myself up because no one else will.

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Awakening

The Awakening
Author unknown

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

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Yellow stickies from the kitchen

I have a huge collection of yellow stickies – on my fridge, in my purse and car.  Today I’ve put them all well some of them here.

“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?”
Caroline Myss

“Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day hoping that the other person will die.”
Debbie Ford

“And finally the day will come when the risk it takes to remain tight in the bud will be more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.”
Anais Nin

“Once you become aware of what stands in your way and become willing to release it, you signal the universe that you are ready to manifest the life you were meant to live.”
Chérie Carter-Scott

“The closer we get to uncovering ourselves, the more difficult it becomes to face the truth. Sooner or later we stop running, out of sheer exhaustion and desperation, and turn around to face our image. The pain that we go through during this revelation is negligible compared to the state of grace that we enter into when we have finally moved on.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most,
because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you. ”
Caroline Myss

“When we harbor negative emotions toward others or toward ourselves,
or when we intentionally create pain for others,
we poison our own physical and spiritual systems.
By far the strongest poison to the human spirit
is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.
It disables a person’s emotional resources.
The challenge is to refine our capacity to love others as well as ourselves
and to develop the power of forgiveness. ”
Caroline Myss

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Albert Einstein quote

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

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Emotional Intimacy

Letting Go of Unavailable People
By Robert Burney

“In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will “push our buttons.”

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar – hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.”

“I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally – which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.”
(from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship – we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love – our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns – recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences – and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship – at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms – effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth – or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth – our own “Prince or Princess” ness – before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self – on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.

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I’ve divorced my Alcoholic husband and my life has really started

Hi everyone, it’s been a long time since I have posted about this. A year and a half ago I told my EXAH that I would be leaving him.  Our relationship over a 20 year period included periods of being in and out of rehab, dry drunk behavior and all the subsequent fallout. We were both very unhealthy people. There is no need to elaborate on his behavior, you have all been exposed to similar people and this post is a positive one.

When I left I was truly devastated, I have never felt so much physical gut wrenching throw yourself on the floor and assume the fetal position type of pain. I was totally broken and shattered. In the past I never really worked on MY issues, it was always easier to blame the A – just put a band aid on it and worse ignore and stuff the feelings down. I found out that I was an addict, addicted to him, the drama, the control that I thought I had. I now really felt pain for the first time. I was alone, with me! I didn’t like what I saw but I vowed to change. I posted and read a lot, talked and cried on the shoulder of my dearest friend – the sister of my heart,  and started to change my whole life.

The man I married does not exist anymore, there is an empty shell haunting the streets using his name but I don’t know him. He no longer haunts my mind or my heart. I had a funeral for Bob – invited a very few close friends, played “our” favorite music and our friends spoke about him – shared their feelings and said good bye.

I am not going to lie…the journey was tear-filled, stressful, frustrating, scary…as well as…knowing why I was doing what I was, continuing to work towards my goal of breaking the cycle of alcoholism and co-dependency in my family, knowing that “this too shall pass”, having a strong faith and relying on that daily for strength, having an amazing network of friends who supported me through the worst and the best…knowing that my journey was worth the pain, as I am now living the life I am meant to!

The universe opened up and welcomed me. I lost weight, I started snowshoeing, hiking and belly dancing, I go to yoga 2 times a week, practice daily meditation. My world has become such a beautiful place.

Every time I read posts on here about the pain, the grieving, the process, my journey comes back to me. There is light and hope after being involved with a addict. Work your program ‘cause you’re worth it.

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Life AFTER the Alchoholic really begins

I’ve learned that there’s a motive behind every action I take. I’m learning to examine my motives carefully to determine if the action
I’m planning to undertake will be beneficial and healthy for me. If it’s not, then I rethink my plan.

I’m no longer interested in partaking in activities that may be harmful to me.  Focusing on my alcoholic husband drove me nearly insane. My life improved drastically when I started to focus only on myself.

“He makes me feel crazy” is turning into “I am allowing myself to feel crazy.”
There is personal power in the latter statement.
There is blame in the former.

“You hurt me” is very different than “you made me feel hurt.”

“You hurt me” is owning your emotion.  A very justified emotion in oh so many instances. Taking away the “made me feel” is not removing the responsibility of the person taking the hurtful action, it is owning the reaction to it. If someone betrays me, harms me, does whatever that brings about an emotional reaction in me, I have every right to be angry, hurt, sad, whatever. But no one is making me feel those emotions.

Someone does something awful. I say “you make me feel so angry.” That is making them responsible for what they did and for what I am feeling. It is giving them some level of control over me.

Someone does something awful. I say “I an incredibly angry that you did that to me.”  That is making them responsible for what they did and me owning my reaction to it. That is taking control of what I say/do/feel.

I have hired a lawyer and filed for divorce.  I cried a lot more. I could see that my health (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically) required this. My sanity needed this. My serenity couldn’t co-exist with my “real husband”.

Yesterday I woke up to a very clear new understanding.  The man I loved was not the man I married and lived with every day. The man I loved was “my dream.”  The “dream husband” was loving, considerate, and always there for me.  The “real husband” was manipulative, abusive (emotionally and pyschologically), and very selfish. But I’d lived life everyday with the dream controlling my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, even my memories. I rationalized and justified everything based on my dream.  I wasn’t loving my “real husband”, I was loving my “dream husband”.  Somehow I was sure the dream was or would be the reality.  This wasn’t fair to either of us. I wasn’t loving him. I was loving “potential” – some figment of my own imaginings.  A dream.  It was all a dream.

I feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach, however I know the truth and it will deliver me, it will set me free. The ache in the pit
of my stomach is there because “my husband” (the dream) has died, but my heart is still fighting against believing it.  When someone really close to you dies physically, you are in shock.  You find yourself waiting for them to come walking through the door or call you up and let you know it was all just a silly mix-up.  But just like everyone else who’s lost someone they love to death, I know that won’t happen.  And thus the ache deepens.  Just like others, I need to pull myself together and plan the funeral and work through the process of grieving.

So this is the start of the end. I will no longer live my life based on dreams for others, or based on their potential.  I cannot love
someone if I’m only after their potential.  I need to love REAL people. Right where they are at today. Not where they could be (or where they should be, as my codependency says).

Courage is NOT the absence of fear; it is doing what is right and best for you IN SPITE of your fear.

I have to say in my own experience that I did EVERYTHING I felt I had to to make sure what I was doing was right for me. First I stepped back and let my AH be who he was.  For the first time in my life I just completely let go. What I saw was not pretty. He did zero to make anything better between us- and I expected/hoped he would see the light, come home, apologize, talk to me in a meaningful way- but no.  What I got was blaming, anger, immature behavior. . . it was appalling.  All I could think of was that when left to his own devices- when he didn’t have me putting my foot up his a** he really let it all hang out.

In the meantime I continued to work on myself. I had daily talks with my very wise friend (she was there to pick up the shattered pieces of what was me), I read deep into the night, I talked to friends – I even spoke to priest who is active in Al-Anon, and I continued to patiently wait to see what would come to me. I decided I could not work with AH- one person can only do so much in a marriage, and I had been carrying the load for years. I was tired and I wanted more.  It took me time- and I gave myself that.  I do not take divorce lightly- and I still do not want to be divorced- but I also know I cannot live with AH. He is not who I thought he was- and every day I need to remind myself of that fact.

I really started to grow and change when I accepted and acknowledged that I gave my power away.

Alcoholics drink because they don’t love themselves and they can’t handle the stresses of daily life.  They drink to drown out past hurts, responsibilities they can’t handle, and the pain of their own self-loathing.  They don’t drink to hurt others.  They just drink.  It was never personal.

I was able to get a glimpse of him.  All white from alcohol, thinner, weaker.. an ugly face! can you imagine? I who always thought of him as this Romeo.  I saw the ugliness of his personality.  Someone who cannot look you in the eye.  His jock attitude out of place.. like trying too hard to show he was “cool”.

So I try my best to separate the disease from the person. I found the disease of alcoholism ugly.  It changes good people into mere shadows of their former selves.  It consumes their every thought, their every action, and left unchecked, it consumes their lives.

Time has helped me realize that it’s important to always remember that there’s a human behind the disease.  Coming to that realization helped me let go of much of my anger and hurt.  When I was able to do that, I found peace.

Don’t let a failed relationship with a non-recovering alcoholic cause you to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you have going on in your life.  Be glad that you were finally able to see him for what and who he really is and that you aren’t investing anymore of your time with someone who cannot be a faithful, equal partner to you. You do not deserve to be stuck in some toxic relationship with a DRUNKEN AFLAC DUCK quacking it’s head off .  You deserve better!

Not drinking IS NOT recovery.

Not drinking and working on one’s self harder than one has worked on anything in their life IS recovery.

I do believe it takes a ‘bottom.’   Until one is totally BANKRUPT in EVERY aspect of their life, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY,
PHYSICALLY, AND FINANCIALLY, the Alkie/Addict does not have that little ‘urge,’ ‘need,’ ‘desire,’ to try and save themselves.

I also believe that for me to get into recovery for my codie side I also had to be TOTALLY BANKRUPT SPIRITUALLY, and EMOTIONALLY along with MORE HEALTH PROBLEMS and FINANCIAL DISTRESS.  That once again got me off my butt, to take a good look at what I was DOING TO ME.

He has the right to conduct his life however he sees fit….AS DO YOU.  you have the opportunity now to GET ON with your life….free from the albatross of addiction, the elephant is OUT of the living room.  This last “exchange” even thru a third party can be the last time you have to be entangled in the past….OR you can continue to have expectations on someone who never WAS able to live up to them, and continue to be hurt and disappointed.

This is your shot now. your chance. your choice.

It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature.  It’s from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

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