Loving Presence Surround Yourself with Love

Even though it might not always seem like we have much control over who we are with in our life – we do.
In our everyday life we are surrounded by a variety of people.  Some of the people we deal with on a daily basis are a joy to be with, and their loving presence nurtures and encourages us.  Others may have the opposite effect, draining us of our energy, making us feel tired and exhausted.  Our well-being can be easily influenced by those around us, and if we can keep this in mind, we will have greater insights into the quality of our social interactions and their energetic effect on us.

Once we think more deeply about the people we interact with, it becomes easier for us to work toward filling our lives with people who help us cultivate healthy and positive relationships.  Even though it might not always seem like we have much control over who we are with, we do.  The power to step back from toxicity lies within us.

All we have to do is take a few moments to reflect on how another person makes you feel.  Assessing the people we spend the most time with allows us to see if they add something constructive to, or subtract from, our lives.  Should a friend sap our strength, for example, we can simply set the intention to tell them how we feel or simply spend less time with them.  We will find that the moment we are honest with ourselves about our own feelings, the more candid we can be with others about how they make us feel.  While this may involve some drastic changes to our social life it can bring about a personal transformation that will truly empower us, since the decision to live our truth will infuse our lives with greater happiness.

When we surround ourselves with positive people, we clear away the negativity that exists around us and create more room to welcome nurturing energy.  Doing this not only enriches our lives but also envelopes us in a supportive and healing space that fosters greater growth, understanding, and love of ourselves as well as those we care about.

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Awakening

The Awakening
Author unknown

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

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Not looking back…..

Putting Foundations Under Castles
–by Henry David Thoreau

I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one. It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves. I had not lived there a week before my feet wore a path from my door to the pond-side and though it is five or six years since I trod it, it is still quite distinct. It is true I fear, that others may have fallen into it, and so helped to keep it open. The surface of the earth is soft and impressible by the feet of men; and so the paths with which the mind travels. How worn and dusty, then, must be the highways of the world, how deep the ruts of tradition and conformity! […]

I learned this, at least, by my experiment that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

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Yellow stickies from the kitchen

I have a huge collection of yellow stickies – on my fridge, in my purse and car.  Today I’ve put them all well some of them here.

“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?”
Caroline Myss

“Unforgiveness is the poison you drink every day hoping that the other person will die.”
Debbie Ford

“And finally the day will come when the risk it takes to remain tight in the bud will be more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.”
Anais Nin

“Once you become aware of what stands in your way and become willing to release it, you signal the universe that you are ready to manifest the life you were meant to live.”
Chérie Carter-Scott

“The closer we get to uncovering ourselves, the more difficult it becomes to face the truth. Sooner or later we stop running, out of sheer exhaustion and desperation, and turn around to face our image. The pain that we go through during this revelation is negligible compared to the state of grace that we enter into when we have finally moved on.”
Dr. Christiane Northrup

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most,
because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you. ”
Caroline Myss

“When we harbor negative emotions toward others or toward ourselves,
or when we intentionally create pain for others,
we poison our own physical and spiritual systems.
By far the strongest poison to the human spirit
is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.
It disables a person’s emotional resources.
The challenge is to refine our capacity to love others as well as ourselves
and to develop the power of forgiveness. ”
Caroline Myss

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Albert Einstein quote

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

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Mindfulness – What is it? And how do you get it?

“What is standing in your way now is self-awareness. If you can begin this fasting of the heart, self-awareness will vanish. Then you will be free from limitation and preoccupation. You are familiar with the wisdom of those who know the material, but you have not yet learned the wisdom of those who know the empty.” Chuang Tzu

Meditation plays a very important role in all the Asian philosophies.  But why is this the case and what is meditation anyway?  As you read on I’m sure you will find that you already meditate in one form or another. You may not see yourself as meditating, because like most people you believe meditation is sitting in the lotus position with your eyes closed and chanting Om! But this is only one of many forms of meditation.

There are only two essential ingredients to meditating. An absence of self-awareness and the distortion of time. Although it may not be immediately apparent to you, we have all had these experiences.   Experiencing an absence of self and time is very favourable, since this is the only time we experience our ‘true nature’.

On this page I’ll be discussing the three most essential forms of Taoist meditation.

Mindfulness
“If you spend a long period of time in study and self-cultivation, you will enter Tao. By doing so, you also enter a world of extra-ordinary perceptions. You experience unimaginable things, receive thoughts and learnings as if from nowhere.” Deng Ming-Dao

I’m sure everyone has had the experience of being so immersed in something, that they have lost all thought of time and self. You may have had the sensation that you and the object of your attention have become one action. This experience may occur while you write, draw, read, garden, renovate, fish or anything else you enjoy. You often emerge from this period of focused attention feeling revitalised, wondering where the time and all your worries had gone. This is mindfulness.

Physicists now believe the flow of time only occurs in a conscious mind and it isn’t something that occurs in the physical world. Consequently, if mindfulness is a state outside regular consciousness; it doesn’t seem beyond reason that a distortion of time could occur. Einstein himself said, “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

Everyone is aware of the pleasure they receive from losing themselves in something they love doing. This is why so many of us have hobbies and interests that on the surface seem to serve no useful purpose.   However, it is widely accepted that mindfulness is very beneficial for our health and wellbeing. The benefit comes from the respite it provides us from self-awareness.  Mindfulness is often the only escape we get from the feeling of “I” and the clutches of our over demanding ego.

With the exception of drugs and alcohol, ego is often responsible for our most regrettable behaviour. It is our ego that allows us to rationalise our self-interests. It perpetuates our illusion of isolation which leads to a sense of alienation and hostility to the world. On a global level our combined egocentric arrogance becomes a highly destructive force.

From another perspective, many of our internal torments and anxieties are a result of a preoccupation with ourselves. We incessantly feel the need to defend our sense of self-worth. We habitually over analyse our own thoughts and second guess our own decisions. We persistently worry how others view us; when in all likelihood they are too busy worrying how others view them.

In mindfulness we experience pleasure that can only be known without self-awareness. It is the harmony that comes with being an action of Nature.

Without ego or our calculating intellect, this is the permanent state of all other life forms on earth. They are in constant unity with Nature. Animals live without the understanding of time, so they live without a care for yesterday or a worry for tomorrow. When it comes time to build a nest or move on, they intuitively know without questioning. This is the virtue of being one action in Nature.

From our experience of mindfulness, we may begin to see our self-awareness as a liability. Further to this, the ego we once thought to be an essential part of ourselves, can now be seen for the illusion it actually is.   Mindfulness also enables us to experience the ‘eternal now’ moment. In this period of focused attention, the troubles of the past and the worries of the future have no presence.

Intuition
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift. Albert Einstein

The ancient Taoists believed intuitive knowledge is a blossoming from within ourselves. This is in contrast to the usual Western belief that knowledge is something that must be tediously pried out of Nature. We generally have little respect for intuition, since the author is unknown and the information is unreferenced. However the author is Nature and her wisdom is always self-evident.

Through Nature’s design all the animals intuitively know what to do and do it with perfect timing. They know the optimum time to raise their young; how and where to build their nests and burrows; organise social order; have extraordinary abilities to locate food; and time their journeys to coincide with favourable conditions many kilometres away. The wisdom of Nature is beyond anything we can comprehend.

You may say this is “just instinct”. But what exactly is instinct and why are we so dismissive of it? Why do we belittle the amazing abilities of animals considered to be far less intelligent than ourselves? Isn’t it incredible that migrating animals can pinpoint an area thousands of kilometres away? To do the same feat we would need GPS and a huge amount of equipment. Yet these animals do it with nothing other than what Nature provides.

Once we understand the animal kingdom has direct access to Nature’s wisdom and that we too are animals; it only makes sense that we also have access to the same intuitive knowledge. All we need to do is make ourselves open to receive it.

There is little doubt the intuitive ‘Tao Te Ching’ of Lao Tzu and the profound ‘Inner Chapters’ of Chuang Tzu were both products of astonishing insight. Their incredible observations of Nature and human conduct have withstood more than 2000 years of scrutiny and parallel modern science. Intuitive insight often occurs when considering a problem while in a very relaxed state of mind. Physicist and Author Fritjof Capra, notes that most advances in scientific knowledge were conceived by Scientists while they relaxed.

The questions one should seek to answer will become evident in the next meditation, ’empty mind’.

Empty Mind (Sitting Forgetting)
“Only after the great awakening will we realise that this is the great dream. And yet fools think they are awake, presuming to understand things.” Chuang Tzu

Most people find it beneficial to ‘zone out’ for a while, especially after a stressful day. Most of us do this by sitting in front of a television, often not absorbing anything. We may try to recall what it was we were contemplating, only to realise our mind was completely empty. This is an example of what the ancient Taoists called ’empty mind’.

Empty mind meditation could be involuntary as described above, or intentional such as practiced in meditation classes. Intentional meditation is very difficult because of the misconception that it is mind control, when in fact the opposite is true. Meditation is letting go of all control and simply letting everything be as it is. Chuang Tzu called this type of meditation ‘tso wang’ which translates to ‘sitting forgetting’.

Although this type of meditation is not sleeping, there are similarities. Sleep is not something that can be forced to happen. All you can do to induce sleep is to get comfortable and allow the process to happen. The same is true with empty mind meditation. All you are able to do is create the conditions that are most conducive for it to happen. This could be as simple as sitting on a comfortable chair in a quiet room for 20 minutes once a day.

For most of this time your mind will just drift. However, every so often there may be just a second or two when all thoughts and internal chatter cease. This nothingness is the Tao. The ’emptiness’ where all things originate and all things are one. (Emptiness may also be referred to as oneness, nothing, nothingness or the great void.) This underlying state of total unity parallels what many Physicists call the unified field.

Since “I” is nonexistent during meditation, this isn’t something you can be aware of while you are actually experiencing it. The delight of meditation comes from the sudden and unexpected flip back to regular perception.  After reflecting on your experience, you intuitively begin to understand that this is the emptiness you were before you were born and the emptiness you will be after death. In time this will enable you to overcome any fear you harbour for death.

Enlightenment is the sudden insight that the emptiness you experienced during meditation is what exists behind your awareness. Emptiness is the real you and it always has been.

Emptiness is a very difficult concept to understand or accept unless you have personally experienced it for yourself. This is the only way to end the thoroughly convincing feeling of personal isolation. To illustrate the strength of separateness, even an enlightened person must continue to meditate to prevent this illusion from returning.

Most people have heard enlightenment ends suffering and therefore assume it must be inconceivable happiness. However enlightenment is usually just an intuitive aha moment. Nevertheless, this is all that is needed to be released from the confusion of separateness. This quote from T. S. Eliot may be the best account of this experience.

“The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

Finally, I think Taoist meditation is best summed up by Deng Ming-Dao in the following:

“Those who follow Tao are fond of pointing out the wisdom of animals. When they see a cat sitting motionless in the sun or a turtle who stretches her head upward in a still pose, they say that these animals are meditating. They know how to be still and conserve their internal energy. They do not dissipate themselves in useless activity but instead withdraw into themselves to recharge.”

It is only people who label meditation as some sort of odd religious activity. This is not the actual case. Something like meditation happens when we sleep, or when we are absorbed in reading a book, or when we “daydream” and become so lost in a thought or an image that we do not notice what is going on around us.

There is no reason to think of meditation as something out of the ordinary. Quite the opposite.  Meditation is the purest and most natural expression we can have. When you next look at a cat or a dog sitting still, and admire the naturalness of their actions, think then of your own life. Don’t meditate because it is a part of your schedule or is demanded by your particular philosophy.  Meditate because this is natural.

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Life AFTER the Alchoholic really begins

I’ve learned that there’s a motive behind every action I take. I’m learning to examine my motives carefully to determine if the action
I’m planning to undertake will be beneficial and healthy for me. If it’s not, then I rethink my plan.

I’m no longer interested in partaking in activities that may be harmful to me.  Focusing on my alcoholic husband drove me nearly insane. My life improved drastically when I started to focus only on myself.

“He makes me feel crazy” is turning into “I am allowing myself to feel crazy.”
There is personal power in the latter statement.
There is blame in the former.

“You hurt me” is very different than “you made me feel hurt.”

“You hurt me” is owning your emotion.  A very justified emotion in oh so many instances. Taking away the “made me feel” is not removing the responsibility of the person taking the hurtful action, it is owning the reaction to it. If someone betrays me, harms me, does whatever that brings about an emotional reaction in me, I have every right to be angry, hurt, sad, whatever. But no one is making me feel those emotions.

Someone does something awful. I say “you make me feel so angry.” That is making them responsible for what they did and for what I am feeling. It is giving them some level of control over me.

Someone does something awful. I say “I an incredibly angry that you did that to me.”  That is making them responsible for what they did and me owning my reaction to it. That is taking control of what I say/do/feel.

I have hired a lawyer and filed for divorce.  I cried a lot more. I could see that my health (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically) required this. My sanity needed this. My serenity couldn’t co-exist with my “real husband”.

Yesterday I woke up to a very clear new understanding.  The man I loved was not the man I married and lived with every day. The man I loved was “my dream.”  The “dream husband” was loving, considerate, and always there for me.  The “real husband” was manipulative, abusive (emotionally and pyschologically), and very selfish. But I’d lived life everyday with the dream controlling my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, even my memories. I rationalized and justified everything based on my dream.  I wasn’t loving my “real husband”, I was loving my “dream husband”.  Somehow I was sure the dream was or would be the reality.  This wasn’t fair to either of us. I wasn’t loving him. I was loving “potential” – some figment of my own imaginings.  A dream.  It was all a dream.

I feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach, however I know the truth and it will deliver me, it will set me free. The ache in the pit
of my stomach is there because “my husband” (the dream) has died, but my heart is still fighting against believing it.  When someone really close to you dies physically, you are in shock.  You find yourself waiting for them to come walking through the door or call you up and let you know it was all just a silly mix-up.  But just like everyone else who’s lost someone they love to death, I know that won’t happen.  And thus the ache deepens.  Just like others, I need to pull myself together and plan the funeral and work through the process of grieving.

So this is the start of the end. I will no longer live my life based on dreams for others, or based on their potential.  I cannot love
someone if I’m only after their potential.  I need to love REAL people. Right where they are at today. Not where they could be (or where they should be, as my codependency says).

Courage is NOT the absence of fear; it is doing what is right and best for you IN SPITE of your fear.

I have to say in my own experience that I did EVERYTHING I felt I had to to make sure what I was doing was right for me. First I stepped back and let my AH be who he was.  For the first time in my life I just completely let go. What I saw was not pretty. He did zero to make anything better between us- and I expected/hoped he would see the light, come home, apologize, talk to me in a meaningful way- but no.  What I got was blaming, anger, immature behavior. . . it was appalling.  All I could think of was that when left to his own devices- when he didn’t have me putting my foot up his a** he really let it all hang out.

In the meantime I continued to work on myself. I had daily talks with my very wise friend (she was there to pick up the shattered pieces of what was me), I read deep into the night, I talked to friends – I even spoke to priest who is active in Al-Anon, and I continued to patiently wait to see what would come to me. I decided I could not work with AH- one person can only do so much in a marriage, and I had been carrying the load for years. I was tired and I wanted more.  It took me time- and I gave myself that.  I do not take divorce lightly- and I still do not want to be divorced- but I also know I cannot live with AH. He is not who I thought he was- and every day I need to remind myself of that fact.

I really started to grow and change when I accepted and acknowledged that I gave my power away.

Alcoholics drink because they don’t love themselves and they can’t handle the stresses of daily life.  They drink to drown out past hurts, responsibilities they can’t handle, and the pain of their own self-loathing.  They don’t drink to hurt others.  They just drink.  It was never personal.

I was able to get a glimpse of him.  All white from alcohol, thinner, weaker.. an ugly face! can you imagine? I who always thought of him as this Romeo.  I saw the ugliness of his personality.  Someone who cannot look you in the eye.  His jock attitude out of place.. like trying too hard to show he was “cool”.

So I try my best to separate the disease from the person. I found the disease of alcoholism ugly.  It changes good people into mere shadows of their former selves.  It consumes their every thought, their every action, and left unchecked, it consumes their lives.

Time has helped me realize that it’s important to always remember that there’s a human behind the disease.  Coming to that realization helped me let go of much of my anger and hurt.  When I was able to do that, I found peace.

Don’t let a failed relationship with a non-recovering alcoholic cause you to lose sight of all the wonderful things that you have going on in your life.  Be glad that you were finally able to see him for what and who he really is and that you aren’t investing anymore of your time with someone who cannot be a faithful, equal partner to you. You do not deserve to be stuck in some toxic relationship with a DRUNKEN AFLAC DUCK quacking it’s head off .  You deserve better!

Not drinking IS NOT recovery.

Not drinking and working on one’s self harder than one has worked on anything in their life IS recovery.

I do believe it takes a ‘bottom.’   Until one is totally BANKRUPT in EVERY aspect of their life, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY,
PHYSICALLY, AND FINANCIALLY, the Alkie/Addict does not have that little ‘urge,’ ‘need,’ ‘desire,’ to try and save themselves.

I also believe that for me to get into recovery for my codie side I also had to be TOTALLY BANKRUPT SPIRITUALLY, and EMOTIONALLY along with MORE HEALTH PROBLEMS and FINANCIAL DISTRESS.  That once again got me off my butt, to take a good look at what I was DOING TO ME.

He has the right to conduct his life however he sees fit….AS DO YOU.  you have the opportunity now to GET ON with your life….free from the albatross of addiction, the elephant is OUT of the living room.  This last “exchange” even thru a third party can be the last time you have to be entangled in the past….OR you can continue to have expectations on someone who never WAS able to live up to them, and continue to be hurt and disappointed.

This is your shot now. your chance. your choice.

It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature.  It’s from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book as it is widely known:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

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